Second Sight
by Queen Gwenyvere
Summary: The sequel to "Sight Unseen" and "Fight the Break of Dawn." *NEW CHPATER UPDATED!* Max and Logan reflect in the aftermath of "PROOF OF PURCHASE." Rated R for language.
1. Fortune's Fool

Author's Notes: Here you go folks. Sorry I didn't get the summer fic written; as much as I wanted to, it just wasn't going to happen. Especially not when I was trying to get "The Air That I Breathe" all finished. Nevertheless, I'm back with a brand new fic. This is the sequel to "Sight Unseen" and "Fight the Break of Dawn." Thanks to Lady Callie and Evil Twin for being my betas.   
  
Disclaimer: Cameron is God; I bow before the almighty Eglee, blah blah woof woof. Don't even bother suing me for infringement. I'm a poor college student. The only thing you'll get out of me is my federal loans. But hey, if you want to pay back Uncle Sam instead of me, go for it.   
  
Summary/Spoilers: Reflections in the aftermath of "Designate This."   
  
Rating: I used to be a PG kinda gal. But this year my language might be more colorful. R for language.   
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"I am fortune's fool!" ~William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"   
  
I had to read "Romeo and Juliet" in high school as part of my freshman year English class. We studied it again my senior rear when I took a drama class to fulfill a graduation requirement. By the time I studied it again in a Shakespearean English course one semester in college, I could practically recite it word for word. Each class I took that studied it approached it from a different perspective. By the third time around I figured I understood it completely, from every noteworthy perspective: literary, dramatic, socio-economic, psychological....   
  
How wrong I was.   
  
I didn't understand it at all.   
  
Not until I began studying it from a personal perspective.   
  
It seems cliché to compare my relationship with Max to that of Romeo and Juliet. It seems, in a way, too academic, too tired, and too unoriginal. I'm hardly any Romeo-crippled, walking only with help from a stolen prototype, a journalist without a face, a man ashamed of his blood family. And for as much poetry as I may have written about Max, she is hardly the naïve ingénue.   
  
However, as much as I'd like *not* to compare us to those star-crossed lovers, how can I not? Despite our best-although admittedly stubborn and sometimes hackneyed-efforts, Fate is keeping me from my love.   
  
Hell, Fate's fuckin' laughing at me.   
  
I *am* fortune's fool.   
  
How foolish, how naïve was I, to believe that such a miracle could come without a hefty price? After all Max and I have been through, after all the pain and grief we've endured, how could I have so easily thought that her resurrection would mean a new start for us? I know Manticore, I know its tricks. How could I have not thought that it was too easy for her to just show up in my apartment, leaner, her hair longer, her eyes dimmer, devoid of their magic and spark? How could I have allowed myself to be ruled by my shock and joy? Shouldn't I have been more cautious? She could have been a clone. But I knew she wasn't. I could feel that she was Max. My Max. And I knew my Max would never be turned.   
  
I suppose that it's a good thing I kissed Max. If we had waited, and I had gotten my broadcast out, Manticore would have been cauterized, and the antidote along with it. Alec called it an antigen, but I think he had his terminology confused. If it *had* been an antigen, I would be immune to the retrovirus that still lies within my beloved. Manticore was smarter and more advanced than even *we* gave them credit for. Three billion bases in the human genome and they managed to find every single fucking one of mine and screw with it, turn it into a tiny super virus, then put it back in Max via some horrific torture method, I'm sure, and wait for her to kill me without even realizing she had the power. Renfro must have known how intense and special out relationship was...is-to know that Max would go to Eyes Only first, that she would unwittingly infect him with her Judas kiss.   
  
I'm fortune's fool, and I am fate's whipping boy.   
  
After wallowing in my grief and despair for so long, I moved on to quiet rage and dedicated vengeance. I effectively fired Bling, my closet friend after Max. I kept my distance from Original Cindy. Eyes Only focused almost exclusively on bringing down Manticore. On avenging Max. Even though in my dreams she was alive, and in my heart I couldn't shake the feeling that she was gone, my brain and eyes had seen her die. My arms had held her bloody and limp form as I wept openly over her body. It was those memories, seared into my brain, that fueled my quest.   
  
"You knew one of them, didn't you?"   
  
"Her name was Max."   
  
"They killed her, didn't they?"   
  
"I watched her die. The thing is, I can't really believe she's gone. I don't believe it. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like... she's still out there."   
  
Truthfully, I'm surprised Asha didn't ask earlier why Eyes Only had become so hell bent on bringing down Manticore. She must have known, somewhere, that it was a quest on my "behalf." How could she not see I was grieving? I know Asha most likely has designs on me. Don't get me wrong, she's a good friend and fighter, but despite all that's gone on, I have absolutely no intention of giving up on Max.   
  
Even if I can't touch her, hold her, kiss her hair... make love to her. Even if I can't trace my fingers along her skin or play with her hair as I watch her sleep.   
  
I am fortune's fool.   
  
But I love her, even if loving her truly kills me, even if I can never kiss her again. I love her. And I'm not going to stop. Nor am I going to let the ghosts of Manticore keep us apart forever. Before, I was fighting for her memory and for my sanity. Now I'm fighting for us. We've gone through too much together for either one of us to give up now.   
  
Am I fortune's fool? Perhaps. But I am Max's love. Even though I have never heard her say the words, I know that she does. She tried to tell me in the woods the night she died, but I wouldn't let her. I told her it could wait. I could see it in her eyes as she frantically tried to get me to leave the penthouse. I could feel it in the way she kissed me, the way she held me. I could hear it in her voice and see it in her eyes after I collapsed from the virus. The way she cradled me when I was in pain, and then backed away from me when she realized she was making me sicker. I could see it behind the pain after Manticore had been destroyed and Asha administered the antidote.   
  
She loves me. And I love her. I will be her lover, her future and her forever. I refuse to let us end the way Juliet and her Romeo did. They barely got their happy ever now.   
  
Max and I aren't getting our happy ever now. But I'll be damned if I let those government bastards deny us our happy ever after.


	2. There Was An Old Woman

Author's Notes: Here's chapter two. Thanks to Lady Callie for betaing. As always, none of it's mine, all of it's Chick's and Jim's, please don't sue…  
  
Summary/Spoilers: This is the chapter for "Bag Em"  
  
Rating: R for language.  
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"There was an old woman,  
Who lived in a shoe;  
She had so many children,  
She didn't know what to do..."  
  
I feel like the old woman who lived in a shoe. Only I'm just twenty years old. And I've seen three of my siblings die. I've killed two others. I've died and been resurrected. I've found the man I love, and yet I'm poison to him. And now I've taken the role of big brother and C.O. But this time, I'm not just in charge of the X-5s. I'm in charge of everyone. C.O. to the oldest ones. Big Sister to those a bit younger. Mother to the youngest ones. It's a bit ironic, given the fact that I've never even met my own mother.  
  
"There was an old woman, who lived in a shoe..."  
  
I wish I lived in a shoe. It's gotta be better than living under a microscope.   
  
Or on the run.   
  
Or in a wheelchair.  
  
God. Logan. It makes me ache to be near him. And not like before when we dancing around what was between us. Now we know it, we acknowledge it, and want nothing more than to act upon it. But we can't. I can't go near him without being frightened more than I ever have been before that I'm going to forget myself and accidentally touch him. To have him die by my own hand, for whatever reason, is cause for the worst pain I could feel. Of course then, if he was gone, I might seriously consider killing myself—Renfro was right in calling me poison. But with him alive, and me literally poison, the pain is perhaps worse. Everything in Seattle reminds me of him. I'm glad I don't sleep much, because if I did I'm sure I would dream of him. Sometimes I think the smell of him is enough to drive me crazy with love and desire and grief. That's why I'm so cautious around him. I don't want to forget and reinfect him.  
  
Or worse.  
  
I'm trying not to think about what's going to happen the next time I go into heat. Luckily, I guess you could say, I had an estrus cycle the week before I broke out. Stupid Renfro bitch miscalculated when she sent Alec to breed with me. Had she been a week earlier, I might have jumped his bones.   
  
Ew.  
  
No, I wouldn't have. First, because he's my brother--never mind the fact that he's Ben's identical twin--and that'd just been whack. I'm not big on the incest. Second, and most importantly, because the entire time I was in Manticore, I dreamt of Logan; of touching him, tasting him, feeling him fill me, feed me.  
  
I never thought a genetically revved up female could feel so much for one person, but I do. And that makes the fact that we can't be together so much worse. It's too hard to be around him. It's too soon. I was barely back in my crazy little life six hours before it got turned upside down.  
  
"Somehow...some way...it's all gonna come correct. 'Cause you and Logan just got it like that. Nothing can keep you two apart. You're home, you're safe, you're strong. It's gonna be all right. It's all good."  
  
I wish I had my boo's confidence in my situation with Logan. She's so sure that in the end it's gonna be all good between Logan and I. At this point, I don't see how it can be. And I don't know how to handle it.  
  
I ran, I admit it. As much as I felt a sense of responsibility to Zack's memory and to all the transgenics I set free, I need to get away from what is or isn't going on between Logan and I. Zero, Fixit, Bullet, Ralph, Bugler--they were all my escape. Even Alec being more of a pain in the ass than usual was a welcome distraction.  
  
What I wasn't expecting to come as a distraction was the news that I have no junk DNA. If that's the case then why the fuck do I get seizures? Was he trying to tell me that the seizures serve a purpose and are not genetic flaws? Or did he just mean to pretty much tell me that even though Manticore is gone, my ass is still going to be hunted because I'm the only X-5 they didn't completely fuck up?  
  
Sigh.  
  
I swear, all I want is my crazy little life back. I want to live in the world where I can hug Logan, hold his hand, and play chess with him. I want to live back in the world where Zack and Tinga are alive and I don't have this damned virus in me that denies me my right to be with the man that I want, that I *need* to be with.   
  
Logan must be from Original Cindy's school of thought, because for as much as I'm pushing him away--and I know that I am--he still comes through for me, defying me, even though I'm trying to keep him away for his own good. All I had to do was call him and he somehow procured all the necessary papers to get the kids set up in their new lives.  
  
I wonder if he knows how much I appreciate him being there while Bugler played a tribute to our fallen comrades, to my brothers and sisters. As I stood there I wondered if Charlie had been made aware. And little Case, who now has to grow up without his mother. All I wanted in that moment was to walk to Logan and let him take me in his arms, so I could bury my face into his chest or shoulder and weep. I need to weep so badly. To him, for him, with him. I need him. I wish we could have stood together in that moment, his arms around my waist, me resting against him.  
  
But no. He stood by his car, the Aztek that looks like a station wagon with it's ass in the air, and I stood with the kids.   
  
After they left, I realized I had to go back to the real world. I walked over to him and thanked him for coming through for them. He was, per usual, gracious, humble, and more worried about me. I could feel the irresistible urge to reach out to him, to let him take my hand in his, so I put mine behind my back. He saw what I did and I could see the pain flash across his beautiful eyes.  
  
"You did a good thing, Max. Not just for them, but for all of 'em." He could see his words alone were not bringing me comfort, but for as much as we may have wished he could to more to comfort me, words were all he had. "They'll figure it out," he promised, his voice hushed and rough.  
  
He asked me then if I was heading back to town and I shook my head. I needed to take a ride on my baby to clear my head. We said our goodbyes and I sped off, feeling his eyes bore into the back of me as I rode away from him. I drove for a long time, not knowing where I was going, only knowing that looking at Logan made me want to take my own advice and stay together. But how can we do that when his life depends on us staying apart? The questions burned in my head as I drove. Before I knew it I was back in Seattle and I wondered how I had gotten there. My mind had been elsewhere, but something had taken me back to the city.  
  
I looked up and realized where I was and what had brought me back. It was the same thing that would always bring me back. I was at Fogle Towers. I was at Logan's. I parked my bike on the side of the building and climbed the fire escape of another building, the same one I had made a delivery too so many months ago, when I first spied Logan's Bast statue. I stood on the rooftop of the other building, knowing my usual thinking spot, the space needle, stood behind me across the city like a beacon. But Logan was a stronger beacon.  
  
As I watched he stood at his window, staring out at the city. I remember how many nights we spent doing the same thing, or playing chess by that window. I wonder how many nights he spent doing that when he thought me dead? I wonder how many more nights he will do that without me? After a time, he went into his room and took off the exoskeleton. I guess now that he has the choice, sometimes he enjoys the luxury of numbness. Of not being able to feel.   
  
So much has changed. Six months ago it was the numbness that was killing him. Now it's feeling that's killing us both.  
  
I watched as he worked on some Eyes Only stuff. He picked up the phone a few times, and then set it down before dialing. I wondered what he was doing. Then, as I watched, he picked up the phone again and dialed a number. Within seconds my pager was exploding. The noise brought a pang to my heart and I reached down and switched it off. He hung his head when I didn't call him back and I wanted to weep. Then, he picked up the phone and dialed another number. I watched him talk to someone on the phone—Asha? Sebastian? Another informant?   
  
I found out later, when I got back to the crib, that he had called Cindy, looking for me, making sure I had got home safe.  
  
God I love him.  
  
I watched him hang up the phone again then sigh resignedly as he shut off his desk lamp and rolled into this bedroom. Before my eyes he stripped down to his boxers, reminding me of the first time I saw him in his skivvies—he was buffer now, harder, more muscular. But I wished he was wearing the black silk ones like he was the first time I saw him stripped down. He read for a while, then shut the book and removed his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose as though he had a headache. Then he reached out and turned off his bedside lamp.  
  
Sighing, I headed home.  
  
When Cindy told me he had called, I couldn't resist picking up the phone, even though I knew he was asleep. It rang several times and I began to regret calling him, waking him. But then I heard his voice mumble, "Speak," and I pictured him, all disheveled and sleepy looking and my heart melted.  
  
"Hey yourself," I said, quoting him from all those months ago.  
  
"Max," he said, instantly more awake. I could hear him sitting up in bed.  
  
"My name is, yes, Max; thanks for remembering," I jested, tucking a leg underneath me as I sat on our couch.   
  
He laughed, the sound breathy and strong, and it made me smile. "Me hitting you back," I told him.  
  
"I thought so," he replied. "I wanted to see if you got home okay."  
  
"Thanks," I said, hoping I was conveying the sincerity of my gratitude in my voice.  
  
"How are you?" he asked, his voice soft and full of caring. I began to wish I was in bed with him, resting my head on his bare chest as we had this conversation.  
  
I sighed, "I'm all good, all things considering, I guess. I'm not in a cage, no more of the Manticore kids will be executed..." I trailed off.  
  
"But?" he pried gently.  
  
"But there's still this goddamned virus that's keeping me from being with you!" I exclaimed unexpectedly. I instantly regretted saying it. I hadn't planned on saying it. I knew we both felt bad, and I didn't need to bring it up.  
  
I heard him draw in a breath. "Max," Logan said gently. "We're going to beat this. We're going to find a way to be together the way we want to be."  
  
He sounded so sure, so confident. "I hope so Logan," I replied in a small voice.  
  
"But Max," he said, his voice hesitantly firmer. "Until we do, please don't push me away. Please. Even if I can't touch you, I don't not want to be with you. I'll take what I can get until I can get what I want."  
  
'And what *do* you want?' I wanted to ask. Instead, I said, "I don't want to hurt you."  
  
I heard him chuckle, "We'll be careful, Max. I promise." He paused. "Will you come over for dinner Monday night? I bet you haven't had anything decent to eat lately."  
  
I chuckled, "The last good thing I ate was the food I nabbed at your place before I went into heat. Before..." I left it unsaid. Before Rafer. Before Tinga. Before Zack. Before everything.  
  
He tried to put a good spin on it for me, "Well, in that case, I'll make you a huge gourmet dinner."  
  
"Thanks," I replied. Then I felt the ache in my heart start to grow. "Go back to sleep, Chef Cale. I just wanted to call you back."  
  
"Thank you Max," he answered as I heard him lay back down. I tried not to imagine the feel of his arms around me, my body pressed to his, in his bed, or mine.  
  
"Goodnight," I murmured.  
  
"Goodnight angel," he whispered before hanging up.  
  
"I love you," I said, to the dial tone.  
  
I put the phone back in the receiver and called to Cindy that I was going out again. I hopped back on my baby and sped off towards the Needle.   
  
Who knows... maybe Logan and I can beat this thing. I guess we'll just have to see where this road takes us. 


	3. A Step In Time Saves Nine

Author's Notes: Here's chapter three. Sorry it took so long. School and life are getting in my way. Thanks to Lady Callie for betaing and for helping me with the chapter title (it's a reference to Alecs barcode number, 494). As always, none of it's mine, all of it's Chick's and Jim's, please don't sue...  
  
Summary/Spoilers: This is the chapter for "Proof of Purchase"  
  
Rating: R for language.  
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Oh god.  
  
Oh god.   
  
I'm sorry Logan.  
  
I'm so, so sorry.  
  
~*~  
  
She came in looking world-weary.  
  
Asha and I were working on some S1W/Eyes Only stuff when Max picked my lock and came walking in. I sensed her presence before I heard her. I looked up and found her large dark eyes, usually so expressive, empty and mournful. She stared at Asha and me for a moment, somewhat wistfully, as though she was remembering the time when we used to be like this, talking over missions, in such close space. Truth be told, I'd rather Asha *not* get as close as she does to me, but considering the state of affairs between Max and I and the fact that her time is spent saving the latest transgenic of the week, I need someone around to do Eyes Only errands. Besides, Asha's group reminds me of how I used to be; idealistic, driven, obsessed with the fight for justice. I was like that until Max came into my life. She taught me that sometimes there are more important things to fight for than justice. I hope one day someone will teach Asha the same lesson. I just hope the woman doesn't think I'm going to be the one to teach her.  
  
Max turned her gaze from Asha and settled it on me, casting me a glance in an unspoken code established when we met a lifetime ago. Then she walked away from the entrance to my office towards the living room. I looked at Asha, uncertain of how to politely kick her out. Thankfully, by now Asha has learned that Max is my top priority, and whether she agrees with it or not, she nodded, gathered up her things, and left with a quick "See you later."   
  
I knew something was wrong with Max. I wondered if the lab tech couldn't replicate the cure. I would hope she'd be happier if he had been successful. Taking a deep breath, I stood and walked into the living room. God, this moment could be so perfect. Me walking, the most beautiful woman in the world in my living room, waiting for me. If only I hadn't seen the pain in her eyes...   
  
I found her sitting curled up on the couch, staring out the large window. She turned her head and I saw the tears and remorse in her eyes. For a moment, I was transported back in time to the night Ben died, the horrible night Lydecker sent me those pictures and tried to convince me that Max was nothing but a killer. God, how wrong he was. It's ironic that no more than six weeks later he switched sides, and became perhaps our arguably best ally.   
  
Another deep breath.  
  
"Max," I said gently. My beautiful, tortured angel would not look at me. God, how I wanted to hold her, to kiss her softly and make all her pain-and mine-go away forever.But the distance between us was palpable, as was her grief, and I knew that whatever was to come was not going to be good. I sat on the edge of the coffee table, seeing her flinch at how closely we were sitting.  
  
"Max," I said again, making sure to keep my voice calm, primarily because I did not want to betray my own fear. I had no idea what had happened to cause her so much pain. "Talk to me," I begged.  
  
She sighed, her small, thin frame deflating with the action. It still amazes me how much three months at Manticore changed her. Not only did she have her greatest fear realized, but she had to go through so many circles of hell I did not understand how she survived. There is still a lot I don't know about the three months she was away from me. We spent so much of our time together dwelling on how we can't be together that by the time I stop being enough of an ass to know enough to play the supportive...whatever I am...that we're both in too much pain for her to tell me what she had to live through.All I know is that she survived. And so did I. The longer this goes on, the more I try to remember that. We are both survivors. And we will survive this.  
  
~*~  
  
"Talk to me," he begged. God Logan, how can you be so goddamned amazing? If you only knew what I have to tell you. I wish I could say that I know you well enough to say that you won't be angry or hurt by what I am about to tell you, but how can you not be? I blew it for us. Again. I took a deep breath, still refusing to meet his beautiful eyes. Why does he have to be so fucking gorgeous that it hurts me physically to be this close to him and not be able to touch him, to hold him, to feel his lips upon mine, upon every part of my body, to feel whole and complete, finally, for the first time, forever.  
  
Oh god.  
  
"IletthelabtechblazewithyourcashbeforehefoundacureforusbecauseheusedthemoneytosaveAlec," I said in one big rush. I felt defeated. I felt as though I was now truly alone. Surely, Logan wouldn't want anything to do with me now. Not only had I wasted his money, money he can't afford to waste, but I also wasted whatever chance was left for us.  
  
I heard him gasp, and try to process what I had just said. "Say it again," he ordered in a tone I was unable to discern.  
  
Another deep breath. "I let the lab tech blaze with you cash before he found a cure for us because he used the money to save Alec."   
  
The silence was horrible. I could see him practically deflate, as if I had just sucked all the energy out of him. Maybe Renfro was right. Maybe I am poison. I mean, she made damned sure that I *literally* am poison to Logan. Maybe it's a sign from the Fates, The Powers that Be, or Ja, or God, or whomever.   
  
"Logan," I begged. "Say something. Please."  
  
Now it was his turn to refuse to look at me.  
  
~*~  
  
"I let the lab tech blaze with you cash before he found a cure for us because he used the money to save Alec."  
  
Her words hung in the air, thick, like a putrid smell.   
  
For a long time, I couldn't find the breath or the words to ask her why. Why? Why did she let him get away? She's a fucking transgenic super soldier. Why did she have to save Alec? What the hell went wrong with *another* member of her family that she had to sacrifice us *again* in the name of being the Great Protector for all Lost and Confused Manticore Creations. The two of us are a goddamned freak show.  
  
I looked at her, my eyes blazing with anger and pain. I couldn't understand how she could have done such a thing. I could see the tears and the remorse in her face, but in that moment I didn't care. Things had been so goddamned difficult in our entire relationship, why had she let it get even more fucked up?   
  
"Why?" I managed to choke out, not really caring if my anger hurt her. You know, it's funny. I would give anything to keep Max from being hurt. From hurting her. I would give the exo, what remains of my fortune, my very life, to keep her from pain. It's amazing what anger and despair will turn you into.  
  
~*~  
  
God, he's so angry with me. I knew he would be. Dammit, didn't he know I was dying inside as it was? Couldn't he see my pain? I guess he was too busy being blinded by his own.I took a deep breath and tried to give as condensed a version as possible. I struggled to keep myself from getting angry with him for being angry with me. But then again, I had blown ten grand he couldn't exactly afford to lose. Never mind the fact I had lost possibly our last chance to be together.  
  
"White tricked up a mini explosive device inside Alec's head. He told Alec he'd only disarm it if Alec killed three transgenics. I was supposed to be his third victim." I saw Logan suck in abreath at that. It made me glad to know he wasn't so angry with me that it was completely blinding his feelings for me. Not that those feelings can excuse what I did.   
  
"He didn't kill you," Logan said slowly, his tone so even and devoid of emotion it scared me.  
  
*No shit Sherlock,* I wanted to say. Instead, I said, "He *couldn't* kill me. He had me pinned to the ground and was about to bring the knife down but he couldn't do it. He stuck it in the ground near my head instead." Logan nodded imperceptibly and I continued. "So Joshua and I took him to see the tech to get the bomb out of his head. It was set to explode within the half hour. The tech said he could do it, but it was either removing the device from Alec's head, or curing the virus. One or the other, not both."  
  
Logan looked down. "So then what happened?" he asked. "The tech saved the day and you let him go?"  
  
"What was I supposed to do?" I challenged, beginning to seethe. He was making it sound so simple, so black and white. I would have thought that by now Logan would have realized most things in this world aren't black and white, but instead various shades of gray. "He wasn't willing to stick around Seattle long enough for me to drum up more cash." Logan refused to look at me.   
  
Momentarily forgetting about the virus I moved to sit on the coffee table, facing him. When I got too close, I saw him flinch and my heart broke all over again. I stood in place, my head down, a million horrible emotions burning through me. And what killed me most was that the man whom I longed to hold, who I wished more than anything would hold me and make the pain stop, couldn't. And he wouldn't even look at me.  
  
~*~  
  
We sat in silence for hours. Well, not really, but it seemed that way. I know I flinched when she came near. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to hurt her. I admit, by that point my rage had turned into seething anger and hurt. God, we're always hurting. Why can't we just be happy?  
  
"Max," I began. I didn't know what to say. I knew she was hurting enough and I wasn't helping. Once again I was failing her. Logan Cale, man of words, can't find the right words to ease the pain of the woman he loves. God, how I wanted to reach out to her. To physically touch her. Even with my own hurt feelings I was beginning to fully realize how much hell she was going through inside.  
  
Tentatively, I leaned forward and nudged her knee with my forearm. I figured it was covered and so was her leg so we were pretty safe. She jumped at my touch and looked at me. I could see the fear and shock in her eyes. There was so much emotion in her eyes. It was part of what had made me fall in love with her.   
  
I cocked my head slightly, indicating that she should sit on the coffee table like she had planned.   
  
She wouldn't budge.  
  
"Max, sit down," I said quietly. "Please."  
  
~*~  
  
"Please."  
  
God. Does he know what his voice alone does to me? My mind was still reeling from the fact that he had touched me. How crazy and stupid was he? It took a long time for my muddled brain to register that his clothed arm had touched my clothed leg. I looked down at him and saw his beautiful blue eyes staring back up at me. "Forever eyes. Dark. Somebody's angel" he had once written about me. My response? "Forever eyes. Crystal. My rock."  
  
*Come on Maxie, just tell him. Tell him why you saved Alec instead of your relationship with him? Tell him why you showed up on his doorstep all those months ago, weeping uncontrollably. Tell him why things weren't so good between us for a while before the heat struck*. Damn my inner monologue.  
  
Sighing, I sat down on the table near him, careful not to get too close. "Logan," I said slowly. "I have something I have to tell you."  
  
"It's okay," he said, only half-convincingly. "I understand."  
  
"No," I said quickly. "You don't. Not at all."  
  
"Max, Alec's your family. You always help your family," Logan said, and I could barely detect any bitterness in his voice. Either he was sincere, or getting better at bullshitting me.  
  
"It's more than that Logan," I said. "I mean, he wasn't part of our original group. He wasn't with us in Gillette. He's a pain in my ass, not to mention a cold-blooded, opportunistic showoff who thought he could run his game on a major bad guy who, it turns out, is an even bigger scumbag than he is." I took a breath.   
  
"He's a human being Max," Logan said. "You're not an animal." He sighed. "I'm sorry for being so angry. It's not your fault the tech skipped town. You did what you had to do."  
  
"More than you know," I murmured.  
  
"What?" Logan asked, clearly dumbfounded.  
  
This was it. The moment of truth. And I knew there was no easy way to say it. "Alec is Ben's twin," I said softly.  
  
~*~   
  
"Alec is Ben's twin."  
  
My heart nearly stopped. Good God. Those bastards at Manticore were truly animals. Not only had they tried to force Max to copulate with someone who was, for all intents and purposes her brother, but they tried to force her to copulate with the identical twin of her *dead* brother. Never mind the fact that said identical twin was now in Seattle. "Oh Max," I said. "I'm so sorry."  
  
She looked at me and there were tears in her eyes once more. "There's more you don't know."  
  
Oh God. I didn't know what was coming next. Was Max going to tell me that she and Alec had in fact followed Renfro's orders. No, she couldn't have. I know Max. I knew she wouldn't have done that. What was it that she was going to tell me? I took a deep breath. Whatever it was, I was going to be strong. For her. Max never let herself cry, so whatever she was about to tell me was obviously going to be something huge. I wasn't going to fail her again.  
  
"What Max?" I ventured cautiously. "What don't I know?"  
  
~*~  
  
He's so good to me. Dear God, I don't deserve him. Ten minutes ago he was furious with me, and rightly so, and now there's so much kindness and gentleness in his voice I could have wept. Fuck. I'm crying. God, why can't things ever be easy? Why does my life have to suck so much so often? Why can't good things happen to me and the people I love?  
  
What I wouldn't give for Logan to hold me right now. Just hold me. Let me weep. Help me exorcise at least one demon. Granted, he did help me, right after the fact, all those months ago. But I couldn't tell him then that I was a killer. That I had killed my own brother. Oh god...Logan please...just hold me....  
  
"I killed Ben."  
  
There. I said it. If he didn't hate me before he sure as shit is gonna hate me now. I've lost him.  
  
~*~  
  
"I killed Ben."  
  
No sooner were the words out of her mouth than Max began to sob. She wept with her whole body. The pain of it all seeped from her every pore. I remembered the night Ben died, the night she came to me, very much in this same state, and I remember thinking that I hoped she hadn't been the one who had stopped Ben. Now I find that she was.  
  
My poor angel. My poor sweet love. The pain she has had to endure.  
  
At that moment any residual anger or resentment I felt went flying out the window. I watched the woman I love sit before me and cry gutturally and my heart broke for her. I couldn't stand to sit by and bear silent witness to her grief.  
  
As quickly as I could I went to my bedroom and took a pillow and the comforter from it. Thank God for the exo. I raced back to the living room and sat on the couch. I placed the pillow in my lap and the top of the comforter over it. The comforter extended the length of the couch, and covered not only the leather, but also any part of me that might have been exposed. "Max," I said gently, trying to reach her. "Max sweetheart, come here."  
  
Her eyes still raining grief she looked at me, confused and horrified.  
  
"It's okay Max. I think I've got it covered. We won't touch skin to skin. Just come here. You need to be touched."  
  
I don't remember when things between Max and I became so forward, so blunt. I just know now that we can't hide from each other. I looked at her, beseeching her with my eyes to come take comfort with me, take as much as I could give her.   
  
Still sobbing, Max rose from her seat on the coffee table and sat beside me on the blanket. Slowly, she laid down so that her head was in my lap. She curled inward, her face a hair's breadth away from the blanket over my stomach. I slowly wrapped the blanket around her, pulling her more tightly to me so that she was completely curled around my body. After more or less completely swaddling her, I ran my hand over her back, murmuring soothing gibberish to her as she wept.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
I don't remember much after I settled my head in Logan's lap. I remember him swaddling me in the blanket. I remember him touching me through the blanket. I remember hearing his voice, but I couldn't tell you what he said to me. I remember weeping so much my insides hurt. I think I kept whispering, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." over and over and over until my throat and my head and my eyes and my entire being hurt too much to cry anymore. I have no idea how long we stayed there like that. I just know that I wept until my body had no more tears to give. I think I was weeping for more than just Ben. I think I was weeping for all my dead siblings, for my lost childhood, and for the man who's arms could only be around me by virtue of cotton and down.   
  
After my tears ran dry, I stayed lying in Logan's embrace, taking whatever comfort and solace I could from it. It was a dangerous and addictive game to play, one I knew we wouldn't be able to repeat, and I was damned if I wasn't going to take everything I could from it. We were silent for a long time. He held me and I let him hold me and we both took the comfort we could. Through the blanket I felt his fingers lightly trace the lines of my back.  
  
Eventually, I broke he silence. "He asked me to do it." My voice sounded so rough, so not like my own.  
  
"Max," he sad gently, his touch on my back firmer, more reassuring, telling me with hands and voice that he didn't need to know, that everything was okay, that I didn't need to tell him if I didn't want to.  
  
I didn't want to.  
  
I *had* to.  
  
"I followed Ben and Father Destry through the forest. When I caught up to them, I couldn't persuade Ben to let him go. He said he had to show me, to prove to me that what he was doing, to make me understand. I already understood. He was so messed up, so scared of becoming a nomalie that he inadvertently became one. And he couldn't bring himself to kill himself, so he was trying to get someone else to do it for him." I heard myself laugh bitterly. "He got what he wanted."  
  
"Max," Logan said again, looking down at me.  
  
I returned his gaze, "We fought and I broke his leg. I remember, when he fell down, he was gasping. He tried to sit up but couldn't. I knelt next to him and tried to help him up but then we heard the helicopters. Lydecker was so close. Ben begged me not to leave him. He was so scared of being alone. But I couldn't carry him. We were too deep in the woods and Lydecker was too close. We would have both been caught. But Ben already knew that. He wasn't asking me to carry him." I paused. "He didn't want to end up like one of the monsters in the basement." The mirthless laugh came again. "If he only knew what Manticore really had hidden in the basement." I felt Logan stroke my back soothingly and it gave me the strength to go on. " I told Ben to tell me about the Good Place, where no one ever gets punished. And no one gets yelled at. He said the Good Place was where no one ever disappeared. He said in the Good Place you could stay in bed as long as you want. Only he never finished the sentence. I didn't let him."  
  
I snuggled deeper into Logan, trying to get closer, to finally be warm.  
  
"It was over so quick. One flick of the wrist, torque and pressure, like pulling a rappelling line. He just stopped talking and his eyes closed. Just like that he was gone. I stayed there and cried for a while. After that...you know the rest."  
  
I took another deep breath. This one felt easier than any breaths I'd taken in a long time, like a huge weight had finally been lifted.  
  
God, why hadn't I opened myself up to Logan before? I hope he knows how healing his mere presence is for me. His voice is this balm and his touch is so soothing to me, even through a blanket. I don't know if I'll ever be able to thank him enough, or apologize enough.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
God, my love is so strong. I don't know how she's survived through everything she has.   
  
"Max," I say gently. "Ben's death is not your fault. You couldn't let him be taken back to Manticore. You know what they would have done to him there. You know he wouldn't have survived in the real world." I didn't know if I was saying the right thing to her. I hoped simply my being there was enough. I didn't know what else could do. Kissing her was definitely out.  
  
"I know," my angel said quietly. "It just hurt for so long. And then when I saw Alec it was like I was being given a second chance to do right by Ben." She chuckled. "Not that he's making it easy."  
  
I laughed. "Max, it's okay. Don't worry about what happened with the tech. We'll find another way."  
  
Max sighed, "I don't know how many more second chances we're going to get."  
  
I nodded, "Don't think of them as second chances. Think of them as Fate's roadblocks." I had to laugh at that. It was such optimistic bullshit.  
  
Max chuckled slightly, "Damn you and your optimism. And you know what? Fuck Fate and her roadblocks. I'm getting damned sick of them." My angel looked up at me. "I wish we didn't need half the inventory of Linens N' Things for you to hold me."  
  
"Soon, Max," I promised. She yawned in response. "Sleep, angel," I told her. "It's been a long couple of days. Even super girls need their rest."  
  
She smiled, "This super girl's only gonna sleep if her rock promises not to make her get up yet."  
  
I raised a brow, "You're rock huh?"  
  
"'Forever eyes. Dark. Somebody's angel,'" she quoted.  
  
I laughed, "So you *did* take it!" I had wondered where that thing got to.  
  
"Hell yes!" she replied. Looking up at me with her big brown doe eyes, she said to me, "Forever eyes. Crystal. My rock. "  
  
Overwhelmed with emotion I lowered my face to inches from hers and kissed the air near her cheek. It only took her but a moment before she played along and retuned the kiss to the air near my cheek.   
  
"Good night Logan," she whispered, closing her beautiful eyes.  
  
"Good night my angel," I replied, refusing to close my own eyes. I was fully intent on spending the entire time watching her sleep. I knew moments like this were not going to come easily any time soon. I was damned if I was going to let Fate steal this moment from me.  
  
Tonight, in whatever time we had, in whatever way we could, Max was mine.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"Good night my angel," I heard Logan reply. I smiled and settled down to sleep. The boy can be such a cornball romantic some times.  
  
But he's mine.   
  
At least for tonight. In the morning the world will go back to being broken and the virus will still be a pain in my ass and so will Alec. But for the moment I was content to let myself sleep in the arms of my rock. My strength.   
  
My love. 


End file.
